What My 3 Experiences of Losing Myself in Relationships Taught Me

Have you ever had a moment in a relationship where you thought, “Was I always like this?”

I have. I changed the music I liked, always structured my weekend plans around the other person, and gradually lost touch with my friends. One day I looked in the mirror and felt like a stranger was staring back at me. “What did I even enjoy lately?” — I couldn’t answer that.

Dating is supposed to be a beautiful experience, so why does some relationships leave you feeling smaller when they end? In this post, I want to share honestly, based on my own experiences, how to stay true to yourself even while in a relationship. By the end, I hope you’ll feel the relief of knowing “I’m not the only one who’s been through this,” along with some practical tips you can start using today.

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① How I Lost Myself — It Wasn’t Love, It Was ‘Absorption’

This happened during my first long-term relationship. My boyfriend at the time had very distinct tastes — his favorite movie genres, the restaurants he wanted to go to, the way he spent his weekends. At first, that seemed attractive. He felt like someone with conviction.

But about six months in, I had somehow memorized his entire list of preferences. The romance movies I used to love got hidden away after he called them “childish,” and instead of the cafés I wanted to visit on weekends, I was tagging along on his hiking trips. I thought I was in love, but looking back, it wasn’t love — it was ‘absorption.’ I had dissolved into him.

Does this pattern sound familiar?

You’ve voluntarily cut back on your own hobbies after hearing your partner disliked them
Friends have told you, “You seem a little different lately”
After a breakup, you couldn’t remember what you even liked

Try this: Right now, grab a piece of paper and write down “10 things I enjoy when I’m alone.” If it comes easily, you’re probably okay. But if you get stuck, that’s exactly the moment to check in with yourself.

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② “Accommodating Someone” and “Erasing Yourself” Are Completely Different Things

My second relationship was the opposite. I was so conscious of “not losing myself” that I became overly stubborn. Whenever my partner suggested something, I’d put up a wall right away. That turned out to be a whole different kind of problem.

Protecting yourself and accommodating your partner in a relationship are not mutually exclusive. A truly healthy relationship is one where two people maintain their individual colors while creating a space called ‘us’ in between. Whether you stubbornly insist on staying separate or completely dissolve into the other person — both can destroy the relationship.

Try this: I found it helpful to use these categories:

Things worth accommodating: Small everyday things like what to eat, where to go, scheduling
Things worth protecting: Your friendships, hobbies you genuinely love, your values and boundaries
Things to build together: Routines you share, tastes you develop together, new experiences

Just distinguishing between these three things makes the relationship so much clearer. You develop a sense of “this is something I should compromise on, and this is something I need to hold onto.”

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③ “Time for Yourself” That You Must Protect Even While in a Relationship

My third relationship lasted the longest and was the healthiest. I know why now. Early on, we made a promise to respect each other’s “personal time.”

Honestly, it felt awkward at first. I even thought, “Why are we spending so much time apart?” But something surprising happened. When we each had our own time and then came together, we had so much more to talk about. Because I was living as my true self, there was always a ‘me’ to share with my partner. On the flip side, when you’re always together, you eventually become mirrors of each other, just repeating the same things.

Try this: Set aside at least one day a week as a day entirely for yourself. On that day, enjoy a hobby alone, meet an old friend, or just sit in a café and read a book. And be honest with your partner about it. “I need time to myself to be a better partner for you.” You’d be amazed how much that one sentence can do for the health of a relationship.

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④ What to Say When Your Partner Threatens Your Sense of Self

This is the hardest part. Sometimes, even when your partner isn’t a bad person, you find yourself slowly shrinking. It’s not an outright “don’t do that” — it’s subtle cues and reactions that chip away at you little by little.

For example: visibly sulking when you mention plans with friends, or showing zero interest every time you bring up your hobbies. Back then, I would just endure it or quietly cut back on those things myself. I hated conflict.

But when that builds up, it becomes a much bigger problem later. Your partner unknowingly takes full control of the relationship’s dynamics, and you get smaller and smaller until you either explode or fall apart completely.

Try this: Before the feelings pile up, practice speaking up quickly, in a calm and quiet voice.

“Spending time with my friends is important to me. I hope you can understand that.”
“It’s not weird that I enjoy this. I know you might not want to join, but I’d appreciate it if you could respect it.”
“I believe we can have a great relationship without sharing everything.”

These words might feel heavy at first. But clearly communicating small boundaries is so much better than losing the entire relationship down the road.

Closing — Protecting Yourself Is How You Love Better

To wrap up what I’ve shared today:

If love is starting to feel like absorption, check in with your list of personal interests right now.
Keep a clear picture in your mind of the difference between accommodating someone and erasing yourself.
Make sure to carve out at least one day a week that’s entirely for you.
Don’t let uncomfortable feelings pile up — practice speaking up small and early.

Not losing yourself in a relationship isn’t selfish. In fact, the more you are yourself, the more genuine version of you reaches your partner. Loving someone as a version of yourself that’s slowly emptying out can never compare to loving someone as a version of yourself that’s full — it’s deeper and it lasts longer.

Whether you’re currently in a relationship or preparing for your next one — please remember just one thing from today. The more you are yourself, the more beautiful your relationship becomes. I learned this late, but I hope you get to know it a little sooner. I’m rooting for you. 😊